What Kind of Sickness is This?
by Lord Raa
Summary: OOC AU parody wrongness from your fiend, Lord Raa. It's not literature, folks, so don't expect much.
1. Chapter 1

What Kind of Sickness is This?

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do:What a coincidence, my hovercraft is also full of eels.

* * *

Part 1

* * *

Rei was not happy. Her most cherished possession was missing. 

"Where is it? I was not careless enough to leave it out last night," she frowned. "If Shinji-kun finds out that I am no longer in possession of it, he will be most upset."

Asuka walked up to the First Child with her usual arrogant smirk. "Hey First, what's got you so upset?"

"An item of great importance is missing, Pilot Sohryu. It is imperative that I retrieve it quickly," Rei said with a tone of urgency that no-one had heard before.

"And this item is?" Asuka asked, wondering what entertainment value could be had by teasing the distraught girl in front of her.

"A collection of nude photography."

"That all?" the redhead rolled her eyes. "I'm sure that you can get all the porn you want from the internet."

"This is not pornography, it is erotica," Rei corrected. "And the subject is Shinji-kun."

"Like I said, you can get all the nudie pictures you want from the internet. Just log on to either nakedbaka dot com or spyingonshinji dot org," the Second Child was beginning to wonder what her fellow pilot's problem was.

"I already have an extensive library of candid and illicitly-taken photographs of Shinji-kun," the blue haired girl sighed.

"So what IS the problem?"

"I convinced Shinji-kun to pose for a series of photographs on the condition that I kept it under lock and key. I fear that if I allow others to come into possession of it, he would leave Tokyo-3 and become a monk, or worse – commit suicide."

Asuka blanched. "T-that would be bad."

"Especially if either of us were blamed," Rei said, waving a finger. "We would be no match for the resultant Promethean Rage™."

A noise from the doorway caught their attention.

"Bollocks!" Rei cursed. "Someone else knows about my secret treasure stash. Pilot Sohryu, you must assist me in retrieving my erotica."

"What's in it for me?" Asuka asked as she examined her finger nails in mock boredom.

"I will allow you an hour to browse the collection in the privacy of your own room."

"Three, if it's as good as you say it is."

"An hour and a half."

"Two and a half."

"Two and that is my final offer. I can always get assistance from another," Rei half threatened.

"Fine, two hours it is," Asuka grudgingly agreed. "Now let's find out who that was."

* * *

Maya Ibuki ran as fast as her legs could carry her. 'Sempai must know about this!' 

The young Lieutenant burst into her mentor's office and relayed her findings.

"Try that again, this time slow enough for me to understand you," the blonde admonished gently.

"Sempai, there's a collection of naked photos of Shinji-kun!" Maya repeated.

"Tell me something I don't know," Ritsuko smiled. "I was looking at some just this morning."

"Shinji-kun posed for these ones!"

"Posed? As in he agreed to let someone take pictures of his glorious birthday suit?" the Doctor asked, now she was getting excited.

"That's what Rei said. But he can't know that we know about them," Ibuki warned. "Apparently Shinji might do something drastic if they get out in the open."

"That's not the way forward!" Ritsuko declared. "We must find the treasure before someone less scrupulous than us does!"

* * *

Misato really hated Parent-Teacher conferences, especially when the teachers kept hitting on her. 

"So then, Miss Katsuragi, are you free this weekend?" a gym teacher by the name of Akira Saito asked.

"Sorry, I've got plans with Shinji-kun," the Captain smiled.

"Nothing improper, I hope!" Shinji's maths teacher, a young woman by the name of Motoko Hayashi interrupted. "Shinji-kun's grades are slipping. He's in danger having to take remedial lessons."

Misato frowned. "Are you telling me that I shouldn't spend time with my friend Shinji-kun?"

"I'm just saying that perhaps your apartment isn't as conducive to study as it could be," the short brunette said.

The Captain would have glared, but she caught the mousy woman's eyes flitting to her bust. 'You're just jealous that I've got these to entice Shinji,' she thought smugly.

"Perhaps you're right," Misato nodded. "I think a break away from Tokyo-3 would be good for Shinji. I'll take him to a hot spring instead if my original plan of watching that Godzilla movie marathon."

* * *

Shinji felt nervous as he walked home from the convenience store. The way the two policewomen were looking at him suggested that they thought he was shoplifter. 

"Excuse me, young man, but should you really be out here on your own?"

"I live just over there," Shinji replied pointing to the apartment block a short distance away.

"Hmm," the one in the passenger seat nodded dubiously. "Perhaps we should escort you there, just to ensure your safety."

"I don't want to be a bother," Shinji said.

"It's part of our duty," the driver insisted. "I'm Officer Kawamitsu, and this is Officer Sawarutori. What's yours?"

"Shinji Ikari."

"That name sounds familiar…" Officer Sawarutori trailed off. "I know where I heard it before! We have standing orders to make sure that you're returned to NERV headquarters when you're seen wandering the streets!"

"B-but I wasn't," Shinji insisted. "I was just getting the things I needed for dinner. I have to get it ready for when Misato-san comes back from Parent's Evening."

"I'm sorry, Ikari-kun, but orders are orders. Please come with us."

Before Shinji could protest further, he was cuffed and bundled into the back of the police car.

* * *

Misato was leaving the school's main building when her mobile rang. 

"Katsuragi here."

"¬Captain Katsuragi, Pilot Ikari has been brought in to NERV by the police. He claims that it was because he was shopping for groceries. He mentioned that he had to make dinner before you returned. Is this the case?¬" a female Section Two agent asked.

Misato blinked. "Yes. Why? Did people think he was running away again?"

"¬Yes.¬"

There was a faint voice in the background at the NERV end of the conversation.

Misato nearly put her car keys through the driver's side window when she heard "¬WHAT? There are photos where Shinji's actually posing for the camera!¬"

"Pardon?"

"¬Sorry Captain, something's come up here.¬"

Misato's request for more information was cut off by the dial tone. "Damn, and today was my day off. Wait, nudie Shinji pics? I'm there!"

Moments later and Misato was speeding to the Geo-front.

* * *

Rei scanned the corridor for evidence of the rarest of all her Shinji erotica. "Damn," she cursed softly, "there's no sign of it anywhere."

* * *

Asuka was following up on another lead, so she was heading in the opposite direction to her fellow pilot. Her gut instinct told her that Ritsuko was the pervert she was looking for. 

"That old hag never could keep her hands of that baka."

Unfortunately, her investigative instinct was hampered by a hatred of the bottle blonde scientist and the appearance of a guilty looking Kaji.

Not that the spy ever looking innocent.

"Hi there, Kaji!" the redhead gushed.

"Asuka," the unshaven man nodded. "What's up?"

"I was looking for something, but how about we go on a date instead?"

"Pilot Sohryu, you are neglecting your duties as per our agreement. The deal is off," Rei scolded from behind the long haired man.

"What are you talking about, Rei?" asked Kaji.

"Pilot Sohryu was supposed to be assisting me in searching for an important item, not flirting with you," the blue haired girl answered with a glare that was directed at her former ally. "It is imperative that I recover it before it falls into the wrong hands."

"I see," the man nodded. "It wouldn't be this collection named 'Shinji Erotica', would it?"

"How did you know of its existence?" Rei demanded.

"SEELE heard whispers that there was something that could be used as leverage on the Third Child," Gendo answered as he approached his favourite pilot. "So it is true. I didn't raise you to indulge in such perversions, Rei."

"My apologies, Commander," the First Child bowed. "But it would have taken an enormous amount of effort to convince him to cosplay as Sailor Moon."

"Did you not pay attention in your lessons?" the bearded man bellowed. "Alcohol is the key to such kinky sex games."

"Shinji's seen Misato drunk too often to try booze," Asuka countered, "otherwise I would have tried it."

"Bah," the Commander snorted. "Uncle Happosai would be so very disappointed in you, Rei. You have one last chance to corrupt the Third Child. Fail and you will no longer be my student."

"Sir!" the blue haired girl bowed. "I will bring honour to your teachings."

"We shall see, Rei, we shall see."

* * *

Shinji waited patiently for his guardian in the Section Two office. He sort of understood why he was handcuffed, though the nice lady wouldn't tell him why it was necessary to restrain him with his hands above his head and his shirt open. 

He was glad to see a familiar head of purple hair walk in, though the gleam in her eyes did make him nervous.

"M-misato-san?"

"You weren't trying to make me worry, were you Shin-chan?" she pouted.

"No," the pilot shook his head vigorously. "I was going to make tonkatsu for dinner when these policewomen brought me in. they said something about standing orders…"

The Captain nodded. "Don't worry about that right now, Shin-chan. Let's get you out of here. I've got some good news about this weekend."

"You have?" Shinji asked as he rubbed his wrists.

"Yep, we're going to a hot spring resort, just you and me. Won't that be nice?" Misato asked as she wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Yeah."

The departing pair never saw the unpleasant look on the face of the Section Two agent.

* * *

Ritsuko had left Maya to search the computer system for evidence of these fabled images when she'd heard that Shinji had been brought in by the police. 

She made her way to Section Two's office and saw something that made her angry:–Misato was practically hanging of her Special Test Subject.

Biting back a scathing remark that was completely unwarranted, she sauntered up to Shinji.

"Hello there, Shinji-kun. Are you ok? You weren't manhandled were you?"

"Oh, hello, Dr. Akagi," the pilot put on a brave smile. "I'm fine, I was about to make dinner, would you like to come over? I'm making tonkatsu."

Ritsuko's smile grew. "I'd love to, Shinji-kun. I'll bring over something that'll go well with your cooking."

"You're not planning to get my Shin-chan drunk, are you?" Misato accused. She knew that the blonde's plan would fail, Shinji seemed to think that alcohol was bad.

"No, not at all," Ritsuko lied. "I just thought that it would be a good opportunity for Shinji to broaden his palate with a subtle red wine."

Misato said nothing, but the scientist could clearly see that she wasn't happy with that idea. "Fine, no booze for Shinji, are you happy?"

"Yes," the Captain nodded. "And no narcotics, either."

"Damn. I mean 'what kind of woman do you think I am'?" the blonde corrected herself.

Shinji and Misato sweat-dropped at the slip. "We'd better get going, Shinji, I need to talk to you about your grades."

Shinji looked sheepish. "Sorry, Misato-san. I didn't mean to make you worry."

"Don't worry, I'm sure that I can properly motivate you," the purple haired lovely purred.

* * *

To be continued…? 

Well this originally started out as an omake idea for Sausages, but the more I thought about it, the more wanted to be written.

Good thing? Bad thing? I just don't know anymore.

This wasn't pre-read, and it probably shoes.

You know what to do to complain.

This will have to do until I get my arse in gear and write something that looks more appealing to you.


	2. Chapter 2

What Kind of Sickness is This?

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Do you remember that old lullaby?

* * *

Part 2

* * *

Shinji wore a light blush as Misato led him by the hand through NERV headquarters. He liked the way that she was affectionate towards him, but felt that she did get a bit too "touchy-feely" after a few beers. 

Something caught his eye as the pair travelled down the corridor. Shinji now had a better chance to examine it when they were stopped by Rei.

"Good evening, Shinji-kun," the blue haired girl smiled.

Shinji blinked. "Oh, sorry, Rei. I was distracted by something I saw."

"What was that?"

"A black shape on that cupboard," the male pilot answered as he pointed in the appropriate direction.

Rei quickly strode up to the cupboard and smiled. It was what she had been looking for.

"Is something wrong, Rei?"

"No, Shinji-kun, you have found something that I was searching for. Thank you," Rei said with a smile.

Shinji wasn't expecting his fellow pilot to give him a thank you kiss. Not that he didn't enjoy it, but Misato seemed rather upset that about that fact that it was on the lips, not on the cheek as per the custom.

"Come on, Shinji, we need to get back home, I'm hungry," the Captain growled.

* * *

Rei was now very happy that she had reclaimed her prized erotica, but there was a doubt in her mind about keeping it. 

"It has great value, but if it falls into the wrong hands, then Shinji-kun would be emotionally crippled to the point that no amount of sex would make him feel better. Is Tokyo-3, nay the world at large, ready to handle the release of such materials?" the pilot asked herself rhetorically. "Dare I gamble away my chance for hot monkey love with Shinji-kun?"

The young woman scratched her head as she asked that fateful question: "What Would Uncle Happosai Do?"

* * *

Shinji was preparing to serve up the tonkatsu he'd made for his housemates when Misato announced her plans for the weekend. 

"Shin-chan and I are going to a hot spring for a few days."

"What? Why are you taking him on holiday?" the redhead demanded angrily.

"Shin-chan needs a little break from life in Tokyo-3," Misato answered with a smile. "He's in danger of burning himself out, you know."

"Fair enough, when are we leaving?"

"Shin-chan and I will be leaving on Friday afternoon, you won't be going anywhere," the purple haired woman said pointedly.

"Why not?" Asuka huffed. "Don't I deserve a break?"

"You do, Asuka," Shinji said as he passed the bowls and drinks to his companions. He winced when he saw Misato chug much of her beer. 'I hope she doesn't start feeling too lonely tonight,' he thought with an embarrassed blush as he recalled the last time that happened. 'Wait, that happened last night…'

Asuka smiled when she realised that Shinji was on her side. 'He knows his place.'

The redhead's mind trailed off into a mild fantasy that involved riding Shinji like a bucking bronco while she wore nothing more than a cowboy hat as they stayed in a ryokan.

"No-one's disputing that, Asuka," Misato interrupted the day-dream by slamming her now empty can on the table. "It's just that I've got some time off to use up by the end of the month and I want to go to a hot spring."

"So why are you taking me?" Shinji asked. All the attention that was directed at him made him nervous. "Wouldn't Kaji be a better choice?"

"If I wanted to be manhandled rather than gently caressed," Misato almost said. "I thought that you might like a nice break from cooking and cleaning, Shin-chan."

"It would be nice," Shinji agreed. "But what about Asuka?"

"She's old enough and ugly enough to look after herself," the slightly tipsy captain waved off her favourite male's concerns.

"You bitch!" the Second Child dived across the table, intent of smacking seven shades of shit out of the beer drinker.

Not that the fight was a long one, as Misato's combat training allowed her to restrain the enraged pilot with a couple of towels.

Unfortunately, Shinji had been knocked to the floor in the struggle.

"Shin-chan!" the purple haired woman rushed to Shinji's side. "Are you ok? Did that nasty Asuka hurt you?"

"I'll be fine, Misato-san," Shinji replied in a weak voice.

Captain Katsuragi decided that she needed to make sure that Shinji could breathe easily and unfastened a few of his buttons.

Asuka, having turned herself to face the slightly stunned pilot, shouted at her roommate. "Oi! Taking his trousers off isn't going to help him breathe better!"

"Maybe not, but they look so tight and uncomfortable," Misato countered.

Asuka's protest was quickly silenced when she saw that her housemate had "accidentally" begun to pull Shinji's boxer shorts off with the trousers.

"AARGH! Misato, stop!" the male pilot screamed.

His attempt to stop Misato from stripping him only resulted in his grabbing her arms and pulling her over his body so she landed face to face with him.

"Well, Shin-chan," Misato whispered huskily as she licked her lips.

Shinji gulped.

It looked like he was going to experience "le Petite Mort". While he wasn't averse to that idea (Misato was certainly very attractive), he had always hoped that his first time would be a bit more romantic than on the kitchen floor with a surly redhead bound and thrashing a metre or so away.

The sound of the front door opening gave Shinji his chance to escape into his room.

"Shinji-kun?" Rei asked as she pocketed her skeleton key.

"Rei, what are you doing here?" Misato glared at the blue haired girl.

"I am here to visit Shinji-kun," Rei answered as she entered the kitchen. "Ah, I see you are enjoying some light bondage. Would you mind if I joined in?"

"Yes!" Asuka shouted.

"Oh, well in that case, may I watch?" the red eyed pilot asked, taking a seat. "I had planned to spend the evening with Shinji-kun, but as he is not here…"

"We are not having pervy sex games in the kitchen!" the redhead screeched.

"Then why are you tied up on the floor?" the First Child asked. "Have you been naughty? Is Shinji-kun punishing you at last?"

Asuka was beginning to panic at the perverted pilot's words and blurted out something that would save her skin for the time being. "Baka-Shinji's in his room!"

"Thank you, Pilot Sohryu."

When Rei turned to visit Shinji, Misato realised what Asuka had done.

"You just gave her a half dressed Shin-chan!"

"Shit!"

* * *

Rei decided to knock gently on the door to "Shin-chan's Lovely Suite". 

"Who is it?"

"Good evening, Shinji-kun. May I come in?" Rei asked with a hint of a smile.

"Yeah, just let my change my shirt," the young man replied.

Rei was not one to let such an opportunity slip away from her and opened the door.

"Shinji-kun, is something wrong?"

"No, Rei," Shinji replied as he buttoned up a fresh shirt, "I just spilt some food on me earlier. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"There are several things that you could do for me, but I will settle for your company. Where can we spend some private time together?" the soft spoken pilot asked.

Shinji blinked. 'Rei likes me?' He smiled. "Yes, Rei, I'd like that. We could go for a walk tonight, if you'd like."

The blue haired girl offered her hand to Shinji. "I would like to visit the park that is not far from here."

* * *

Misato listened in on the pilot's conversation with a small amount of relief. 'Rei hasn't jumped my Shin-chan. Yet.' 

Knocking on the door, the Captain announced her presence.

"Shin-chan, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Misato-san," the young man blushed at the attention that was being lavished upon him.

"That's good to hear, Shin-chan. Are you packed for the weekend?" the purple haired woman asked. 'Not that you'll be needing clothes for much of our break…'

Rei frowned when she saw Misato's eyes glaze over slightly. "Shinji-kun, are you going somewhere?"

"Misato-san said that I needed a break and she booked a trip to a hot spring," Shinji answered. "Misato-san, would it be ok if Rei and Asuka came along? I don't want to leave them out."

Rei smiled. 'Is Shinji-kun planning an orgy? If so, then I have not failed in my mission.'

"I can't afford to pay for them," the Captain shook her head.

"Do not worry, I can appropriate funds for myself and Pilot Sohryu," the red-eyed pilot countered. "The Commander may even subsidise the entire trip."

"Please, Misato-san," Shinji pled. "It would be nice to spend time with my friends."

"But I wanted to spend time alone with you, Shin-chan," Misato whined.

"I believe the saying 'the more the merrier' is appropriate in this context, Captain Katsuragi," Rei offered. She walked up to the older woman and whispered into her ear. "Besides, if you allow me to accompany you on the trip, I will continue my attempts to get Shinji-kun to change from cotton to silk for his undergarments."

Misato pondered that part of the bargain. 'Shin-chan in silk boxers would be cute, but I don't want to have to deal with the megabitch trying to seduce Shin-chan as well as Rei.' "And what if Ritsuko wants to join us?"

Rei's frown resurfaced. "I had not considered that possibility. Dr. Akagi is known for her libertinage. I do not think that her attendance would be advisable."

"Damn straight!" the purple haired woman shouted.

Before a confused Shinji could ask "What's libertinage?" Rei decided to take the young man out of the apartment.

"Come with me, Shinji-kun, it is time for our walk."

"Where do you think you're going?" a newly freed Asuka demanded.

"We are going out for a walk, Pilot Sohryu," the blue haired girl explained. "Please do not attempt to follow us, we have something private to discuss."

"Like what?" the redhead demanded.

"It is private, Pilot Sohryu," Rei smiled evilly.

* * *

Shinji escorted Rei to the lift in a pleasant silence and pressed the call button and turned to give his companion a reassuring smile. But before he could say something, the doors opened and Ritsuko stepped out. 

"Dr. Akagi," the male pilot greeted happily.

"Shinji-kun!" the blonde smiled as she prepared to hug her love interest. "I thought I told you call me 'Ritsuko'. And what happened to dinner, you're not leaving me in the company of a drunken Misato again, are you?"

"Sorry, Ritsuko-san," Shinji bowed apologetically, "but Rei needed to talk to me in private."

Rei smiled as she stepped closer to her beau.

Ritsuko frowned as she perceived the blue haired girl to be seducing her boyfriend. "I'm not so sure that you two should be allowed out on your own."

"Do not worry, Dr. Akagi," the red-eyed girl smiled smugly, "I will make sure that Shinji-kun's virtue remains intact."

"Really?"

"Yes, we will be in public. Shinji-kun is a private person, so I do not think that he will be interested in 'dogging'."

"That's a shame," Ritsuko muttered. The head of Project E always did have an exhibitionist streak. "Anyway, is Misato in?"

"Yes, and she seems relatively sober," Rei said in a teasing tone.

As Shinji and Rei took their leave for their stroll, the scientist rang Misato's doorbell.

A surly looking redhead answered. "Oh, it's you, Akagi. What do you want?"

"I'm here to speak with Misato, Asuka-chan," Ritsuko said with an exaggerated sweetness. "Now step aside."

Asuka rolled her eyes and held the door open.

* * *

"Shinji-kun," Rei started as the pair of pilots sat on a park bench, "I want to know how you feel about the idea of being int-" 

The quiet, yet erotically charged girl was interrupted by a police siren.

"You there!" a female voice called out. "What are you doing?"

Shinji shot up from his seat. "Nothing! I was just talking with Rei here."

"A likely story," a slightly familiar voice replied sarcastically. "Wait, you're that Ikari boy!"

"Officer Kawamitsu! I was just talking with Rei here," the pilot insisted. "Please Rei, tell her!"

"Were you the one that handcuffed Shinji-kun earlier?" Rei asked in her usual, even tone.

"Yes, but that was because we had standing orders. How do I know that you're not trying to kidnap Ikari-kun?" the policewoman accused the female pilot.

"I was trying to engage in a private discussion with Shinji-kun about our relationship," Rei explained, "please leave us. Besides, if I were plotting such a nefarious scheme, then I would have restrained him with handcuffs such as these and a ball gag to prevent him from alerting people."

The perverted pilot pulled out a set of fake fur lined handcuffs and a red ball-gag with leather harness.

"After that, he would have been bundled him into a van and I would already be having my wicked way with him."

Shinji wore a priceless look of panic on his face. And quite rightly so, his friend had just revealed that she carried such items on her person, let alone without the aid a bag.

"I think I should escort Mr. Ikari home, just to be on the safe side," the short haired brunette said in a tone that suggested that Rei was not to be trusted.

* * *

"What can I do you for, Ritsuko?" the purple haired captain asked her old friend. 

"I was invited over for dinner, remember?"

"Too bad you're late. And now, Shin-chan's out with Rei. Make it quick before I get drunk."

The blonde blinked. She hadn't expected that response from her co-worker. "I thought that you might like to spend some time with your best friend, that's all."

"You haven't been best friend since the time you tried to convince me to swap my Shin-chan for a private showing of your new design for the plugsuits!" Misato snorted. "50 percent less material, but how much less Shinji would there be in my life?"

"About 70 percent," Ritsuko admitted.

"And just how big of an idiot do you take me for?"

Asuka was tempted to answer that rhetorical question for Misato, but the doorbell rang again.

"What? He had his key with him, didn't he, Misato?"

"I think so," the Captain nodded. "Oh well, perhaps it's someone else."

Misato sauntered up to the front door and opened it. "Can I help you, officer?"

"Yes, sorry to bother you, but does this young man live here?" the policewoman asked politely.

"Yes, what's happened to Shinji?"

"He was seen talking to this girl," Officer Kawamitsu gestured to Rei, "in a park not far from here. Why is he out on his own after curfew?"

"I was talking to Rei, I didn't want to bother anyone," Shinji insisted in his usual meek tone.

Misato sighed. "He was talking to Rei. I can't vouch for Rei's intentions, but Shinji's were honest and honourable."

"Please keep him under tighter control, I know what teenaged boys can be like, I've got a brother," the brunette smiled.

"Oh, don't worry, Officer, I intend to keep him on a tight leash," Rei grinned.

* * *

To be continued, but only when I can be arsed to write more of this tosh. 

Here, have some omake from The Fanfic Puppy….

* * *

Asuka stood up, slowly, carefully; both hands pushing her away from the floor, before catching the corner of her bed. 

She blinked, and pinched herself.

_Hmm... seems right._

She shrugged, before grabbing a stapler from her table and dropping it on her foot.

"ACH, SCHIESSE!" She paused, whilst hopping. "Definitely no dream."

* * *

Misato stared at her beer can, shaking it before upending it into her mouth. 

_Didn't seem off... then that means... surely not...?_

She slapped her forearm with the remote control, wincing. _Nope. And..._

Performing the female version of an "equipment check" - and one that like as not would have given Shinji a nosebleed - she verified what she thought just happened.

"Definitely. Wow."

"I'M GONNA GET THAT WUNDERKIND!"

* * *

Shinji stared at the sight running down the road towards him as he came back from the shops. 

Rei was bouncing down the road, a green cloth sack clearly full of women's underwear thrown over her back, shouting "What a haul! What a haul!"

Asuka running - no, limping... or would that be more like hobbling? - down the road towards Rei, interspersing words such as "lingerie" and "bra!" between a tirade of swearwords in just about every language she knew.

And Misato – bouncing – definitely bouncing unrestrained – down the road after her.

The three blew past him as he turned, mouth gaping wide, Misato with shouting "You could have left the bra and panties I was wearing, Rei!"

Shinji shrugged, feeling light headed from the blood loss already. Misato certainly was energetic when avenging her lost undergarments. He tried checking his breath, but all he could smell was the coppery tang of his nosebleed.

He shrugged once more, resuming the trudge towards home. _I'll probably wake up in the hospital, none of this ever having happened. This must be a fever-dream. It can't be real._

Still, he swore like a bitch when the twenty-four pack of beer broke the bag and landed bang on his big toe. Just the corner – but enough to hurt.

He gathered it up, noting the dinged cans with slight distaste, and trudged on home.

* * *

Until laterer comes. 


	3. Chapter 3

What Kind of Sickness is This?

By Lord Raa

* * *

Part 3

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Not today, Galvatron!

* * *

Gendo sat behind his desk as he listened to the Rei's proposal.

"And you see this as your best chance to corrupt the Third Child?"

"I do, sir. Hot spring resorts are renowned for romantic misunderstandings."

Gendo arched an eyebrow. "And you have romantic designs on Pilot Ikari?"

"Eventually lust will give way to love. I will be the one to reap those benefits. I do not see him complaining about me bringing another woman into our bed," Rei smirked.

"You assume that he's not gay."

"Is that was this is about? Are you concerned that your son prefers the intimate company of men to women?" Rei asked. She didn't have gender preferences for sexual partners, unlike some of the more prudish citizens of Tokyo-3.

"Yes," Gendo nodded. "I would lose a massive amount of face, not to mention a large sum of money, if Shinji was more into 'receiving' than 'giving'. If I have you assurance that Shinji will be engaging in sexual relations with at least one attractive female, then I shall authorise a trip to the hot springs. We have some money in the field trip fund that must be spent before the end of the fiscal year."

"Thank you, Commander."

"Don't thank me just yet, Rei; it will be a NERV trip. The pilots, Captain Katsuragi, Lieutenant Ibuki, Dr. Akagi and I will be accompanying you."

"Why?" Rei asked with a frown.

"Because the more females that are there, the greater chance one of you will bed Shinji. Besides, the concept amuses me," Gendo smiled maliciously. "Now get everyone ready, we shall leave in 2 and a half hours."

"Yes, sir," Rei nodded.

Gendo spoke just as she was about to exit the office.

"Rei, seeing as you are in a rush, it is entirely conceivable that you might forget to pack your underwear."

"I see," the blue haired girl smiled. 'The Commander favours me as Shinji-kun's mate.'

* * *

Ritsuko was happy.

"Free holiday for Ritsuchan!" she shouted when informed that there was a NERV sponsored trip to a hot spring.

"Yes," Gendo said when the bottle blonde had finished her happy dance. "We will be leaving shortly. Lieutenant Ibuki, you will also be joining us. I know that you have cast a wanton eye over Pilot Ikari, so I thought it would prove to be amusing to watch you attempt to seduce him."

"Y-yes, s-sir," Maya squeaked.

"Good. I would have no objections to the pair of you doubling up on him. But if you do, I want evidence of this. Akagi, make sure that the footage is suitable for archiving, understand?" Gendo asked in a threatening tone.

"Yes, Commander," Ritsuko nodded. "One question, sir, will the bathing area be segregated?"

"It depends on whether or not there is a problem with the men's area," the bearded man smirked.

* * *

Misato wasn't as happy as Ritsuko or Maya.

"But I wanted to spend some private time with Shin-chan," she pouted when told about the additional members of this particular party.

"I'm sorry, Captain Katsuragi, but you've been pussyfooting around Pilot Ikari for too long. However, if you're the one that makes him a man, then I might be able to find your name on the promotion's list," Gendo hinted with his evil smirk.

The Captain blinked. "Are you telling me that my chances for promotion are going to improve if I'm the one who seduces Shinji on this trip?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

The bearded man looked at his watch in a bored fashion. "Time is running out, Captain Katsuragi. We will be leaving via VTOL at 11.45, with or without you."

"Shit!" the purple haired woman started to scramble to pack her things. "Wait! I'm already packed."

When she looked up to demand an answer to her question, the Commander had vanished into thin air.

"How does he do that?"

* * *

Gendo continued on his tour of mischief making around NERV.

'One last stop,' he thought with a smirk that was more than a little sadistic. "Pilot Sohryu," he greeted with a tone of indifference.

"What? Oh, hi Commander," the redhead replied. 'Wait, why's he talking to me?'

"You will be leaving at 11.45 hours with certain NERV personnel for an important exercise."

"I had plans for the weekend," Asuka protested.

"I know what you were planning, Pilot Sohryu, and I approve. The only change is that you will have more competition at the hot spring. Dr. Akagi and Lt. Ibuki will also be competing for Pilot Ikari's affection."

"What? Why?"

Gendo's smile greatly disturbed the arrogant pilot. "11.45 hours, Pilot Sohryu. Do not be late."

* * *

Aoba and Hyuuga sat at their stations, wondering about the activity that surrounded Misato and company.

"Hey, Hyuuga, any idea what they're up to?"

"Not a clue. But it looks like Misato's packed for a trip."

The sound of a man clearing his throat startled the two technicians.

"Sir," Hyuuga greeted his boss. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Certain members of the senior and bridge staff will be leaving for a brief vacation. We will return on Monday," Gendo explained.

"We're going on a trip with Misato?"

"No, you two and sub-Commander Fuyutsuki will be remaining here, I will be accompanying the Pilots, Dr. Akagi, Captain Katsuragi and Lt. Ibuki to the hot spring," the Commander informed the two other men with a smirk.

"But why can't we go?" Aoba protested.

"You fail to provide me with a sufficient amount of fanservice."

"That's discrimination!" the long haired man insisted.

"Keep up your arguments, I have always wanted to see human bodies dismembered with a gas-axe," the bearded man said in an even tone.

The two technicians gulped nervously. "Y-yes sir, we'll look after things for you here."

"That's good to hear."

* * *

Shinji sat nervously in the NERV VTOL. There were two major reasons for his anxiety; one, he was in an enclosed space with a number of very attractive women and two, his stony faced father was looking at him.

The bearded man's expression gave the pilot no hint that he was actually as mad as a drunken hatter.

Asuka wasn't too happy about the way that Rei was insisting that she check Shinji's seatbelt. "Hey, Wonderdoll, Shinji's not so stupid that he can't fasten a seatbelt!"

"I know," the blue haired girl replied. "I was making sure that Shinji-kun was securely in place."

"Yeah, Asuka, we can't have Shinji escaping from his duties," Misato said as she placed an arm around her male roommate.

"Bah," the redhead snorted, "you wouldn't have these problems if you disciplined his scrawny ass properly."

Rei looked at her fellow pilot quizzically. "Why would Shinji-kun's donkey be relevant to this discussion?"

"In this context, ass is being used as a slang term for buttocks, Rei," Gendo explained.

"I see," the blue haired girl nodded. "I have spent much time studying Shinji-kun's body and I am not sure I would use the adjective 'scrawny' to describe his buttocks. I believe taut would be a more appropriate term."

Shinji blushed at the way he was being talked about, but could do nothing as the combination of Rei and Misato's roving hands and his father's glare kept him still as a statue.

* * *

Kaji wandered the halls of NERV headquarters looking for his old girlfriend. Thinking that the purple haired lovely might actually be working, he made his way to the bridge.

"Misato-chan!" he called out in a sing-song voice.

"Agent Kaji," Hyuuga greeted. "Captain Katsuragi isn't here right now."

"Oh, where is she?" the unshaven man asked.

"She's at a hot spring with the others," Aoba whined.

"Misato and Ritsuko at a hot spring? Which one?" Kaji asked excitedly.

"I don't know," the long-haired man admitted. "The Commander didn't tell us."

"Perhaps the sub-Commander knows?" Hyuuga offered.

"Yeah, I'll go see the old man."

* * *

Gendo checked his watch as the VTOL landed outside the hot spring.

"It is time," he announced, stepping away from the others as he pulled out his mobile phone. "Agent Kaji?"

"¬Commander, where are you?¬"

"I'm at a hot springs resort with several senior NERV personnel, including the rather delectable Captain Katsuragi. If you wish to join us, you must bring the Third Child's two friends. You know the ones, they accompanied the Captain and the Third when they met you for the first time," Gendo answered with an even tone.

"¬But I want to spend some private time with Misato-chan!¬" the long-haired man whined.

"What is it with everyone that makes them think that I care about their petty wants? I told you the conditions for your attendance, if you cannot fulfil them, then you will be replaced. It is none of my concern as to what excuse you use to bring the other Stooges here," Gendo grinned maliciously as he ended the conversation.

The Commander walked up to the rest of the NERV party and led them inside to the front desk. "The bulk of the NERV party are here. Unfortunately, I cannot say when the others will be here."

The clerk was clearly intimidated by the bearded man. "Y-yes sir," he gulped. "Here are your room keys."

"Thank you."

* * *

Touji Suzuhara and his fellow stooge, Kensuke Aida, were surprised to see Kaji's car pull up at the military otaku's house.

"Is there something we can do for you, Mr. Kaji?" the bespectacled boy asked.

"Can you get permission to come to a hot spring for this weekend? As in right now?" the long haired man asked urgently.

"I think so, why?" Kensuke asked, taken aback by this question.

"Because Misato will be there, and Shinji's dad said I can only go if I take you pair with me," Kaji replied bitterly.

"A hot spring? With Misato? We're there, dude!" Touji said excitedly. "I'll leave a note and grab some clothes."

"I don't know," Kensuke shrugged. "Doesn't it seem weird that you've got to take us with you?"

"Actually, that's one of the Commander's more sane orders," the long haired man lamented. "Chop-chop, I've got better things to do than stand around here in this pit you call a room."

"Yeah, I'm coming," the scrawny youth muttered as he too prepared to notify his dad about his new weekend plans.

"Misato-chan awaits!" Kaji declared as he warmed up the car, intending to make quick work of the drive to the hot spring they pulled out of Tokyo-3.

* * *

"This will do nicely," Dr. Ritsuko Akagi said as she checked her ultra-high resolution digital camera. "I should finally be able get those naked Shinji photos and then those jackasses from Shota Sunday Magazine will finally be off my back."

"Why do they keep bothering you, Sempai?" Maya asked as she prepared some of the other surveillance gear that they'd packed. The young lieutenant was checking the internal batteries on some night-vision goggles.

"I made some outrageous claims after a drinking session with Misato," the blonde admitted with a sad sigh. "I may have said that I could get candid, yet arty footage of Shinji-kun when he's not wearing much."

"Then why didn't you use the surveillance cameras at NERV? It would have saved you a lot of stress."

"They said that 'anyone can get CCTV footage, we need something that hints that he's interested in an older woman'. That's why we need to get shots of him having fun with me," the sexy scientist replied with a grin.

"I see," the junior officer replied with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, don't look at me like that, Maya, of course we'll be having three-in-a-bed romps."

Maya breathed a sigh of relief. "Let's go get those photos."

* * *

Shinji Ikari sighed as he was finally allowed to relieve the pressure in his bladder in private. It wasn't that he didn't like Rei; he did very much so because she didn't slap him after he accidentally fell on her, but the way she offered to "help him aim" did make him feel slightly uncomfortable what with her saucy wink and all.

After washing his hands, the Third Child left the toilet to see his fellow pilots smiling at him.

"Is something the matter?" he asked.

"It's about time you finished in there, baka," the redhead snorted. "Let's go take a dip in the hot water."

"You didn't need to wait for me," Shinji insisted weakly.

"We felt that it would be best if we escorted you there, Shinji-kun," Rei countered. "Pilot Sohryu and I are looking forward to enjoying the spring water with you."

"But what about the others?" the young Ikari asked, not wanting to alienate his friends.

"Commander Ikari ordered us to bring you down; he is concerned that your inability to relax will soon affect your sync ratio," the blue haired girl answered. "I have been told to render you unconscious and carry you to the spring if need be. I would rather not inflict THAT kind of pain on you."

"Ok," Shinji acquiesced. He gave a small smile. "Lead the way."

The two female pilots each took one of the nervous Ikari's hands and almost dragged him through the inn to the rest of the NERV party.

When they reached the bathing area, Gendo stood up to make an announcement. "Captain Katsuragi, you will swap rooms with Pilot Ikari. It is to be kept secret from anyone who isn't here now."

The purple haired lovely blinked. "Ok, but why?"

"I am concerned that someone may try to abduct him. If an attempt is made, then I can narrow the security breach to one you five," the bearded man answered. "You will do this now."

Misato's whine was cut off by the intimidating look that was directed at her. "Yes, sir."

As Shinji's legal guardian left, the Commander turned to the others. "I believe that it is time for us to enjoy the facilities."

Rei and Asuka smiled as they disrobed and practically tore Shinji's white shirt and black trousers off the hapless pilot. The two nubile girls took great pleasure in ushering the object of their desire into the hot water before he could grab a modesty towel.

The young Ikari crouched down into the water, hoping to hide his nakedness from the assembled perverts. For better or worse, the presence of his authoritarian father killed any excitement he might have felt from being around several sexy females.

"What is up, Shinji-kun, are you not aroused by the situation? Are we not enticing enough?" Ritsuko asked with a mock hurt tone.

"It's not that…"

"I see," the bottle blonde nodded. "Your father is quite the passion-killer."

"Pilot Ikari, why are you not swapping rooms with Captain Katsuragi?" Gendo asked, casting a glance at his son.

"Sorry, sir, I'll get right on it," Shinji apologised and quickly left the bathing area.

"Dr. Akagi, I feel that now would be a good time to tell you about NERV's new smoking policy: no smoking until after sex," the Bastard King smirked evilly.

"That's unfair!" the sexy scientist protested.

"If that's how you feel, then I'll just change the rules further: you may only smoke after engaging in heterosexual sex," Gendo added, his smirk somehow becoming even more evil. "Are there anymore comments on NERV policy that need to be addressed at this point?"

"No," Ritsuko answered with gritted teeth. "Bastard" was added under her breath.

If the callous man heard the barb, he gave no indication; instead he opted to soak in the hot mineral water with his eyes closed.

After allowing the natural spa to wash away his tension for a few moments, Gendo opened his eyes slightly. "Doctor Akagi, you do realise that there will be ample opportunity to convince me to alter the policy this weekend."

The bottle blonde gave the bearded man a puzzled look.

"If you can provide me with the data on that I requested, then I will be too busy to implement this proposed change."

"I see," Ritsuko nodded in understanding.

* * *

"Shin-chan you really shouldn't look so depressed. I mean, you're here with me at a hot springs resort," Misato winked at her roommate as she packed up her things.

"Yeah, I suppose so," the young Ikari replied in his usual melancholic tone.

The purple-haired beauty rolled her eyes. "Are you completely ignorant of popular culture? What happens when guys go to a hot springs with cute girls in anime and manga?"

When Shinji didn't respond, Misato growled in frustration. "FANSERVICE! Jeesh, Asuka is right about you being a baka."

"Sorry, Misato-san," the blue-eye teenager apologised.

Sliding up to the object of her affection, the beer drinker wrapped her arms around the pilot. "Well, if you're really that sorry, why don't you just stay here with me?"

Shinji gulped nervously as he felt the soft breath of the voluptuous woman tickle his ears.

"Don't worry, Shin-chan, I'll protect you."

"I have not heard it called that before, Captain Katsuragi," Rei said loudly from the doorway.

"Damn, the blue haired killjoy is here," Misato cursed under her breath. "What do you want, Rei?"

"Shinji-kun."

"Besides that," the drunkard said, rolling her eyes.

"I was told to check on the status of the room change," Rei lied as she advanced to her fellow pilot. "You seem to be taking an inordinate amount of time for such a simple task."

"It's my fault, Rei."

"Shinji-kun?" the crimson-eyed girl looked questioningly at the insecure young man. "How is Captain Katsuragi's incompetence your fault? Surely you do not blame yourself for being such a desirable young man."

"What? Why would anyone want me? I mean, it's not like I've got anything to offer a girl," Shinji said sadly.

"We only want one thing from you, Shinji-kun. We want to make hot mon-" Rei's comment was cut off by the arrival of the Asuka.

"Hey Baka, you finished being molested by Misato?"

"I wasn't molesting Shin-chan!" the purple-haired woman protested indignantly. "I was merely hinting that we could do something to cheer him up."

"Like what?" the redhead asked, her hands on her hips.

"Well, I was thinking that perhaps I could give Shin-chan a backrub while we soak in the spring water," Misato answered. "Would you like that, Shin-chan?"

"Y-yeah," Shinji nodded. "But can you not grab me like you did the last time you gave me a massage? You were a bit rough."

"Baka, can't you be more manly? You know like Kaji?" Asuka asked rhetorically.

Rei disagreed with her fellow pilot's opinion on the young Ikari. "I find that Shinji-kun is of sufficient manliness. Though, he could be a little more aggressive sexually. Still, I think that it is something that we can work on."

"See, that's what I'm talking about – Baka Shinji can't make up his mind which of the trollops he wants to do it with," the German speaking pilot explained.

"Hang on," Misato interrupted with a smirk. "Didn't you just include yourself with the rest of us 'trollops'?"

"…"

"You're not trollops," Shinji insisted. "I don't know what it is you find so appealing about me, but you're not trollops."

"Thanks, Shin-chan," the Captain smiled. "That means a lot to me. Now let's get out to the water for some relaxation."

* * *

Unlikely to be continued, but who knows when I will feel the need to spout crap?


End file.
